The Good Times We Shared
by MyQueenTroian
Summary: A tragedy hits Spencer and Toby. How does Toby cope with this? (Not sure about the rating)


**A/N: This story is based on a Norwegian song called "Det fine vi hadd' sammen" by DDE, I would recommend you to listen to it, but I assume most of you don't understand Norwegian so I don't know if it's useful for you to do. I hope you like this story. P.S. sorry if there are any grammar mistakes or if there is anything that is confusing. Like I said, I hope you enjoy it.**

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"No," I whispered "it's not true, it can't be!" my voice was louder now. In the back of my mind I knew it was true, she had most of the common symptoms, but I didn't want to believe it. "She just turned 21, she's far too young!" The salty taste, of the tears that ran down my cheeks, filled my mouth.

_Her appetite had been really poor for weeks, and she had been vomiting every now and then. This caused a significant weight loss to her already slim figure. During the last few days she had also complained a lot about pain in her upper abdomen, and she never complained about anything. But it was first when I caught a glimpse of yellow in the previous whites of her eyes we both realized that something was truly wrong. Her skin had also gotten a tint of yellowish color. We knew it was jaundice._

"I am sorry" the doctor said, "but according to our tests Spencer got pancreatic cancer, unfortunately we discovered this too late for her to get a surgery, the tumor is already too big" I could see the fear in Spencer's glossy, brown eyes, her hand was squeezing mine tightly. I never wanted to let go of that tiny hand, I did not want to lose eye contact with her. The best days of our lives were supposed to be yet to come, but according to the doctor the chances of those days where slim.

There were so many things we wanted to do. She was going to get her master degree at the University of Pennsylvania. We were planning on getting married; she was going to be the most beautiful bride this world had ever seen. We talked about starting a family relatively soon after the upcoming wedding. We were supposed to grow old together while our children would get children of their own. She was going to be greatest mom there ever was, and the best grandmother our grandchildren could ever ask for.

I wasn't prepared for this, for losing her. Hearing her take her last breath, listening to the last words she would ever say. The sound of the last hint of laughter in that tired soul of hers. The last kiss we shared was short, but passionate. After she found out about her condition she lost it, she didn't want to live anymore; the pain was taking over her body. The doctors told her that she would live for about six months, her life ended after two. Neither of us was prepared for her death to come so soon. I remember she told me that she wanted to die so she could get rid of the pain, but she was afraid. Afraid of leaving everything behind. Afraid of leaving me and her friends. Afraid of how it was going to be on the other side.

I was afraid of the fact that I wouldn't be able to reach for her anymore. I couldn't hold her in my arms, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. There is nothing I would rather do than have any form of physical contact with her, whether it would be a kiss, a hug or just a simple touch of her fingers. –A used to be the only person who got in the way of our love story, but now it was her life which got in the way. It was her health, not just some creepy stalker who we could deal with. It felt like the whole universe wanted us to live in misery. Spencer's pain caused me pain. Her pain was physical while mine was mental. I wanted to take her agony away, but I couldn't, I didn't know how to do it.

All I could do was tell her how much I love her. How much she means to me. Telling her about how seeing her smile would make my year and seeing her cry would break me for weeks. She was so beautiful. Her big, brown eyes full of love and passion. The smile she usually had plastered on her face would brighten up the mood in even the darkest times. The last two months did not include as many smiles as usual, her eyes did not have the same spark as earlier, but she was still the most beautiful girl in the world. I often told her that. I told her that she would always be with me. That I wasn't willing to let her go.

I have been visiting her headstone every day since the funeral. It has been three months and thirteen days. I miss her more than ever. Today would be the one year anniversary of our engagement, and our sixth anniversary as a couple. I miss the feeling of her skin, the beating of her heart. The smell of her still lingers in some of the clothes neither she nor I got to clean before she ended up in the hospital. I don't want to clean them, I want the smell to stay there until the day I get to see her again, but I know it is starting to rub off. I miss the life we were planning on having. The tears I have left decide to show themselves whenever the song we planned on dancing to at our wedding is playing on the radio.

We've been through a lot, and all of the memories she has given me ever since she showed up on my porch with L'Attrape-Coeurs in hand to tutor me in French will stay in my heart forever. I remember we talked about names we would like to use for our future kids and my heart breaks whenever I meet children with any of those names. Meeting her friends is tough not only for me, but for them as well. It's like something is missing, and that something is Spencer.

I try my hardest not to think about the negative times, but rather think about all of the good days we had. The days spent at her family's lake house. The days at my loft above The Brew before we moved in together at the cozy apartment right next to the University. The days in the new apartment. Back then we believed we could survive anything. Staying up all night just listening to each other's heart rhythm. Everywhere I look I still see her, when it's as quiet as it can get, the sound of her laugh linger between the four walls of the small apartment.

The years, except the last two months, I shared with Spencer have been the greatest years of my life. If I could, I would relieve these years for as long as possible. Being with Spencer has been the best experience I've ever had. Nothing makes me happier than saying that she was, still is and most likely always will be, the only love of my life. Being able to say that she was not only my girlfriend or fiancé but also my best friend is something I will never be ungrateful for.


End file.
